Sex and Relationships
Are Taboos of Self Pleasure your relationship back?
Why Eroticism Should Be Part of Your Self-Pleasure?
Because desire is an expression of our free will. Nobody can force us to want. So if it is ours, then it is also our responsibility to activate it. Freedom always comes with responsibility. We can turn ourselves on and we can turn ourselves off. We can have thoughts that will instantly shut us down and thoughts that will keep us open to possibility and curiosity. We can enliven ourselves and we can numb ourselves. Eroticism blooms from the tension between excitation and inhibition and manifests in the things we say and do, by how we act, and by how we think. We tend to think of eroticism as a sexual state shared by two or more people, but really, it starts with the individual. And it requires practice.
What is Erotic Energy?
Erotic energy isn’t sex energy; it’s sexuality transformed by your imagination. It’s the thoughts, dreams, anticipation, unruly impulses, and even painful memories which make up our vast erotic landscapes. It’s energized by our entire human experience, layered with early childhood experiences of touch, play, or trauma, which later become cornerstones of our erotic life. We know that even things that give us the most pleasure can come from the most painful sources. Eroticism is not comfortable and neat. It unveils inner struggles, emotional tensions, a mix of excitement and anxiety.
How do I get in touch with my Erotic Energy?
Couples most often talk to me about their sexual boredom.
and find themselves there because of a lack of vulnerability with their partners.
They prioritize getting it done over exploring the hidden desires that turn them on. The same can be said for the individual. When we’re on our own, we mostly know what gets “the job” done. Porn. Toys. Intense focus on a specific sweet spot followed by a quick finish. But to truly experience the benefits of eroticism, it can’t be treated as a job.
So why are we so quick to get in and get out? Are we afraid of what may happen when we slow down and really spend some quality time with ourselves?
Now more than ever, we are our own judges, at times experiencing our body as a prison rather than a musical instrument to explore. And if we struggle with being inside our bodies, why would we take the time to explore them?
Or for that matter, how could we ever feel safe to invite anyone else in? I’m not talking just about penetration. I’m talking about entering our personhood, our dreams, who we are, our heart and soul. Many of us are so self-critical that we forget these internal wonders. Erotic self-care begins with diminishing our inner-critic and giving ourselves simply the permission to feel beautiful, to enjoy our own company, to be more compassionate and realistic with ourselves.
I turn myself off when…
Incorporating eroticism into a self-care plan is basically loosening the hook of a highly-developed cultural mandate about self-control so that we may explore what brings vibrancy and vitality into our lives.
Whether we seek to explore eroticism on our own or with a partner, it always starts at the source: our self. I like for you to complete this sentence “I turn myself off when…” The answers are endless. “I turn myself off when…I check social media before bed; when I worry about the kids; when I stress about work or the state of my partner; when I overeat or don’t exercise; when I don’t take care of myself.” Notice that, in this list, there is very little that is specifically sexual. What turns us off are the things that sap the energy and liveliness out of us.
Now ask yourself this “I turn myself on when… “
When I ask people to complete the sentence, “I turn myself on when….” the answers usually have to do with taking time for self-care: going into nature; dancing; pampering; connecting to body and sensuality, nurturing. We turn ourselves on when we energize ourselves, when we are embodied and focused—not on any particular goal, such as having an orgasm, but on the present moment.
Maybe it’s the sensation of a small square of dark chocolate melting on our tongue. Or the moment when, in the shower, we start noticing the hot water on the nape of the neck, underarm, and chest.
There are so many parts of our bodies that we never think to touch.
Sometimes we ignore these parts of us because somewhere along the line, we began to shut them down. Maybe we were deeply wounded and don’t trust ourselves to open up again. Maybe we feel like we no longer deserve to be attractive because we no longer have the fit body or full head of hair we once had.
Or perhaps illness has transformed us, confiscated our breasts, uterus, testicles or another part of us, that makes us feel unsexy or unattractive. Sometimes we are in mourning or feel guilty, as if we don’t deserve to be sensual or awakened because we’ve just lost somebody. Sometimes we’re just annoyed. From the stresses of the everyday, to resentments, to deeper wounds, there are a lot of reasons for people to feel out of touch with their erotic selves. Often, shutting down feels like the only thing we can control. Incorporating eroticism into our self-care plans can alter our relationship with control and transform our state of being.